F I R S T ; L A S T

something which will not be easily effaced.

It wasn't supposed to end this way.

It deserves a better ending.

Doesn't it?

你的出現在無意中

卻深深撼動我

I gave in to
The stress in life
I can't escape
The pressure seems to get me down

It's like a needle in my spine
It stings inside
Poisons me with time
I can't deal with your lies

People have said
I'm not okay
I lost my mind
Numb be till I won't feel pain again

Something is going on in my mind
Let it all go and in time you will find
Nothing is real and it dies in the lies
Suffocate feelings you hide with lies

Life has always been a problem, can't you see?

i just don't fit in . . .

M.J - You Are Not Alone

"You are not alone

For I am here with you

Though you're far away

I am here to stay

For you are not alone

For I am here with you

Though we're far apart

You're always in my heart."

R.I.P, M.J

you are not alone, but i am.

Dearest "Ah Yi"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

This is what I feel like telling you, but I wouldn’t dare to tell you face to face as this is my inmost feelings. If I were to tell you all these face to face, you’d most probably figure out what will happen, gotta prepare a few boxes of tissues. =p Without a shred of doubt, I do really owe a debt of gratitude to you.There’s really nowhere I can find such an aunt like you. You have been really kind to me all these while, I’m truly grateful to have you as my aunt. Sometimes, I do really wish that you are my mum.I know that’s a silly thought of mine.Frankly speaking, I don’t know if I ever could be this kind towards anyone if that person is facing what I’m facing right now.

The love that you and popo has given me, I truly appreciate. But no matter what, a family love could never be replaced by the both of you even though I don’t know how exactly a family love feels like, anyway, it’s okay, because nothing I do or say could bring back the old times which is 12 years ago, when everything seemed to be fine. Family love doesn’t really matter to me anymore, or I shall say, family love doesn’t exist in my world anymore. Or maybe, I was just meant to be alone. It’s all right. I know I should be grateful, because there are many other people out there who are even worse than me.I know I still have you, popo, and sarah as part of my small family, another small family which includes my friends. These 2 small families become a big family of mine. That’s my definition of a family. I gained something and I lost something, too. Enough is as good as a feast, I should be content with my life.

Somehow I know you are the one who gave me courage and support whenever I feel discourage, I know you gave me a lot of encouragement and even comforted me in a special and unique way when I was having a really hard time, especially when i need to go through lots of difficult struggles. I know you did all these in some way, I do really know about it, even though you didn’t tell me anything about it, nor did I tell you anything about it. But I do really know what you have done for me. There’s really nothing I can do to repay my gratitude towards you. What I can do is to try my best not to let you down. I don’t know if I have ever let you down so far. At this moment, what I can do is to complete my degree level, getting a degree level isn’t easy for anyone I supposed. What I know is it has never been easy for me, I really need a strong determination and motivation for it, to continue it. I’m really having a hard time for both studies and work. I’ve tried my best and put in the effort that I should, somehow, I know I didn’t put completely 100% of my effort in studies, in fact, I put more effort in my work because working hours occupied my time more than my studies, and this the fact. Well, there’s really nothing else I can do, since I’ve been like this for one and a half year, why not continue doing it?

I do obey every single of your words and advice so far, but there’s only one thing that I will never ever obey. I supposed you know about what. I’m really better off without her, much much more happier ever since then. Yes, unquestionably, my life is getting hell tougher, I have to face and bear down with every single thing alone. At least I’ve learnt some lessons which are good for me. To be honest, I’d rather to have all these silent sufferings than to live my life together with her. I’ve chosen my life to be like this, thus, I hope you’ll understand and let me live my life just the way I want it to be. I also understand that being a middle person is not easy. You know I’m such an adamant person, nothing anybody do will ever get to change my mind towards this matter.

Undeniably, I’m a person who emotionally breaks down very easily, I don’t know why.The older I grew up, the worst I’ve became. I bottled up my feelings, rarely I can turn to someone and spill out my feelings. And I feel weird to share my problems with you, somehow, I feel very awkward. Sometimes I personally think that somehow it ain’t good to tell someone else too much about your personal matters, because I’m afraid, and also, I do really care on how people are going to judge me. Well, the more you reveal yourself to someone, the more people will know about your weaknesses. I know that you and popo will never stay by my side for the rest of my life, in the end, I still have to go on with my life all by myself. At the end of the day, everyone will leave, there’s no such thing as forever.

It is not a good thing especially when you used to share your hard times with that only one person, because you tend to depend too much on that person. When that person you used to share all your sorrows with leaves you alone, that person will no longer be the one for you to share all of your hard times anymore, no longer be the one to listen all of your woes, and that’s when you have to suffer all alone. Just as you thought that person is gonna always be there for you, they no longer exist, that’s the most suffering part. I’ve learnt that I shall not rely or depend too much on anybody, because anybody will just walk out on my life without giving any warning signs, this is true. Therefore, I should learn to reduce my dependence on anybody. As I grow older, I realize that parting and leaving becomes a part of our life, and this is another learning phrase. Life is seriously so unpredictable, all of us will never know what will happen tomorrow.

Sometimes, I do really blame and wonder why I was the one chosen to face all these shits. But in the mean time, look at a brighter side, if all these had never happened to me, I’ll not be who I am today. What I have gone through all these while makes me who I am today. As the saying goes, “no pain, no gain”, this is real true. Instead of complaining and blaming for having such a life, I shall learn to take it as a gift. As I’m able to make it through all these, it actually takes me to climb up another higher level, which is also makes me a stronger person. However, I wish I was stronger and tougher, because i need to potray a "man" character, so that im able to protect everyone. HAHAHA! CRAP! well, i think i should learn to love myself more.

All right, I should stop with my “nenek cerita” here.

Once again, im here to wish you a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AH YI! Many many happy in returns! As what you taught me, we should live our present live to the fullest. Not forgetting to wish your hubby a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY too! May the blessings, joys and happiness fall upon the both of you, and also, may the both of you getting healthier day by day. :)

A cheerful person, i wish to be.

A mature person, i hope to be.

A better person, i promised to be.

Much loves,

Your adamant niece.

will you ever remember?

"whenever a memory pops into your head,

you always have to wonder.

how many more times will I be able to remember that?

will I ever remember that again?

how many times can you revisit a memory?"

B I R T H D A Y.S H O U T O U T

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY TO

LEE YEE WAH, EVA!

fyi, she has left to melbourne for her studies since 2 weeks ago.

friends around me are all leaving soon.

more to come for the next following month.

well, we decided to have a virtual celebration for her.

yeah, through skype, with a super mini cake. :)

girl, take good care of yourself alright.

all the best in your studies.

loves.

NEXT . . .

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY TO

SIOW WERN CHIET!

thanks for being such a nice friend to me.

sigh, you're going back to singapore real soon for studies.

less one companion and listener for me.

cause you're the only who are free and available to accompany me for the time being.

my girl friends are all busy with their work, or studies.

sorry for bugging you ever since you're back to kl.

but i know you don't mind one right? haha.

anyway, hope you have a great celebration for your 21st birthday alright.

have fun and enjoy yourself alright.

:)

AND NEXT . . .

24th JUNE.

HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY TO YOU,

CHONG SOO YIN

had a great night my dear sis?

i supposed you celebrated with your boy?

both of you look really great together.

sweet pictures i saw from fb. lol.

hope to see you soon.

much loves.

pretending doesn't make the feelings go away . . .

"There's some things that I regret,

Some words I wish had gone unsaid,

Some starts,

That had some bitter endings,

Been some bad times I've been through,

Damage I cannot undo,

Some things,

I wish I could do all all over again,

But it don't really matter,

Life gets that much harder,

It makes you that much stronger.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar.

There's mistakes that I have made,

Some chances I just threw away,

Some roads,

I never should've taken,

Been some signs I didn't see,

Hearts that I hurt needlessly,

Some wounds,

That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,

But it don't make no difference,

The past can't be rewritten,

You get the life you're given,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned."

i become a part of your life, a part that don't last . . .

"no one ever said that life would be fair.
or that the moments you wanted to last forever would.
as you start to realize, people who once said that they care can stop in an instant.
and those people who once made you the happiest, are now the one who make you cry.
you realize that no matter how much you care about someone, it doesn't mean they will care about you.
and letting go seems to be hard, and what you leave behind it's the hardest part.
you realize that you would be better off if you didn't fall for that person in the first place.
you realize that all promises and words from that person are all lies.
promises can be broken, just as quickly as they are made.
it really hurts to know that you mean nothing at all to that person when that person mean so much to you."

Letting go after you have been let go . . .

Walking through time,

Looking for an answer,

How can it be this way?

What have I done?

I just can’t help but to wonder,

How everything could change.

C O U R A G E O U S

this is what you need . . .

when you have no intentions to do something that you do not wish to.

even if you're not tough or strong enough deep inside you heart,

somehow you have to act it out no matter what.

i believe that a boyish look will make someone look tougher and stronger.

and this is what i shoud be like.

cause people will not take advantage of you easily.

they will not even dare to mess around with you.

should learn to protect myself.

not gonna let anyone to hurt my feelings anymore.

* i had a boy cut, no pictures here cause i don't wanna scare the hell out of you guys, alright.

kinda look like a tomboy.*

well, 3 more assignments to hand in before holidays start next week.

here goes another sleepless night.

WORK HARD!!!

" 灯光熄灭了

音乐静止了

滴下的眼泪已停不住了

天下起雨了

人是不快乐

我的心真的受伤了 "

there's nothing left to say but goodbye

im so gonna miss my previous and current hair length.

after so many years . . .

bye bye, my bao bei long hair. :(

insomnia, i can't get no sleep.

tiny reddish pimples are all out.

it's 4.49am now.

shall take a nap and get up early later.

work hard!!

why does every moment have to be so hard?

"you had me thinking right from the start,

that our feelings will never keep us apart.

you had me thinking that i was the one,

but i never knew it was only for fun."

it takes great emotional strength and endurance to climb up to another level.

stay strong.

big girls don't cry.

savagely burning

the tip of a cigarette...

"there is a time for departure,

even if there is no certain place to go."



-anon-

"it's weird how you go from
being strangers
to being friends
to being more than friends
to being completely strangers again"

i keep telling myself that im tough enough to take all these.

but somehow, everything just prove me wrong.

i just can't help but to see it when i know it's gonna hurt me once more.

seeing 2 faces with the smiles putting on together in every single pictures.

that just shows how happy he is over there.

feelings that i feel right now is really torturing me.

all the pain that he has put me through.

i supposed it's gonna be a vivid memories for the both of them.

since both of them go through this matter together and try to make things happen together.

"it's not gonna be easy, but we'll try this together, ok?"

good for the both of them.

i don't want to end up making promises that i have no intentions of keeping or saying things that i don't feel.

but i did it, that just shows how foolish and stupid i am.

well, everything is gonna be alright.

no longer have to appear offline when seeing him online.

no longer get to see any of his profile anymore.

no longer get to see all the sweet pictures of the both of them anymore.

sometimes it's better not to know and see anything.

cause in the end, after knowing and seeing all the things that you don't wish to know and see,

you are the only one who will get hurt.

yes, i know i deserve it. serve me right to suffer.

now i know how deeply it hurts when you see someone you enamoured with is happy with someone else, but not you.

people often says, when you really wanna forget someone,

the first thing to do is to remove all of the contacts and any other thing that has to do with that person you wish to forget or let go.

even if i get to remove every single thing of him, i know i still couldn't remove him from my mind.

that might happen though, if only if i loss my memory.

i don't feel any good for removing every single thing.

cause i know this is not what i want to.

however, this is what i ought to do.

but i think there's still something that i deserve to keep.

im sure the both of them will surely feel better.

yes, i'll just go on with my life since he thinks that he's not worth it for me, but he's worth it only for her.

no doubt that life is unfair.

yes, it's HELL UNFAIR.

even if you're good enough, you still get whacked and slapped by others without any reasons and explanations.

after getting whacked and slapped, you still care about those who whacked and slapped you, but not yourself.

you wants them to feel better after whacking and slapping you but not letting yourself to feel any better.

you wants them to be happy after whacking and slapping you when you yourself are still in pain with all the bandages around your body.

cause there's really nothing you can do about it when all these shits happen.

and that's what you call life.

accept the unacceptable.

i shall treat myself better.

instead of making my heart heavy and lugging them around,

i should learn to grieve the hurts and pains in life.

try to let out all of the unwanted feelings inside.

just put on a smile,
everything is gonna be alright.
promise myself to be strong,

that i shall live and not die.

self-hypnosis, i will be fine.

im gonna be real fine.

sigh. im supposed to do my PR assignment.

but i fell asleep while half way doing it.

im so tired & sleepy since i haven't been sleeping well these days.

and guess what? these pictures keep me awake! haha.

well, these pictures are SO NOT ME due to the character i acted for my group monologue.

see my smile? :) heeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

SMILE :)))))))

shall get back to my work.

but my brain is not functioning when it comes to assignments.

argh!